This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
