my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i now understand why vodka
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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