So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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