Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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