The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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