it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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