In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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