I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
