I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
