OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
