It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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