I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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