Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The Olympian is in my bed
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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