do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
