i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
