how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
