I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
