just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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