Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
