false alarm. still invincible.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
