Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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