I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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