tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
