At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
