A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
