Porn is love you can see.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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