She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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