It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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