just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
