New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
