There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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