I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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