sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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