hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
ok first of all what the fuck
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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