my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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