I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
