Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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