Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So apparently I’m into choking now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize