eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
