She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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