Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
