Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
