I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
