i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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