So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
