She said her name was "party"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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