you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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