dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
