I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
