Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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