Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
