I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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