Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
