I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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