dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
