she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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