Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
