I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
