please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
