Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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