then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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