the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
