Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you didnt know i had herpes?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
