I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
