they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
