FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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