They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize