I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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